23 January 2012

No Animal Products

I made dinner that was close to vegan the other night and it made me want to cry.

So I put butter in it.

You can do this in the dining hall, but you'll need a knife. It's great for your knife skills.

I stole this (sort of not really) from an old job's "pastaless" meal...
You julienne the vegetables in your fridge, fry/steam them in water and sesame oil, and watch dismally as you put them over spinach.

What are you doing with your life?

Use the whatever's left in the pan and the white wine that is still in the fridge to make a weird sauce. Add butter at the end to compensate for the amount of carbohydrate you're about to inflict.

20 January 2012

Got Jumped Part II

I don't want to exploit an event that actually shook me up for attention, so I'll keep the details to a minimum so you can get a gist.

Because this actually happened to me, and nothing EVER happens to me. Like scary things.

SO I was biking home from work where we were doing a food tasting and this guy on the corner is all, that guy down there just got jumped.

And I was all, yah right. I'm tired of talking to crazies for today.

But then I actually looked up and saw this guy staggering toward us.

Long story short, I ended up sitting in the back of the cop car because I was a witness, even though I didn't see anything, with the guy who got beat up.

Some dealers had stopped him because they said he owed them money, he said he didn't, so they started shoving and kicking him. Then one pulled a gun, the guy grabbed for it, and two shots were fired. Kids freaked out, pistol whipped him, and took off. He was covered in blood and one of his shoes came off. I sat there staring at the paramedics and swiftly learning their protocol, told the cops a bunch of useless information that they already knew, and went home.

I flopped onto my bed for thirty seconds and then went to my man's place to drink tea and eat chili with beer and play nazi zombies. I promise, it's not a regular thing but it's pretty good for a troubled mind.

how to make a croquette:

get a log of goat cheese.
use dental floss to slice it into tight circles.
coat with crushed almonds.
fry for a hot second.
put it on a beautiful plate. It only deserves the best.

19 January 2012

Got jumped Part I

Here's how to make Swedish meatballs:
Ground pork
Ground beef
1 leek, 1 onion: fry in butter.
Soak soft bread in milk. Remove as much crust as possible or it will burn and you'll look stupid.
Combine, form into balls. Brown in cooking oil.
Finish in the oven at 350. Use your 15 minutes to browse YouTube for videos about yoga instructors that use terms like "genitals" and "pubic bone" and "grab some cheek" more than once per class.

Serve with SourCream sauce. Fold in the sour cream at the end so it doesn't curdle. Five spice, flour, and milk are your other ingredients.

Serve the leftovers the next day with the ketchup you made to a French anarchist, a marathon runner, and an experienced banjo player. But, you will serve it with your new favorite thing, a goat cheese croquette.

Up next --- the realest thing that ever happened to me. I think... Mom am I allowed to publish that online?

12 January 2012


I got sent home sick from work last week with a fever.

It was nice because chef put oats in my hood. Whatever. Then the prep guy pulled my hood over my head and oats went everywhere. Like, pants, underoos, shirt. Gross. I ran outside followed by this oat trail hoping that no one would see me pulling at my shirt like a loon. I really do love my job.

I was convinced that I was on the verge of death, and the walk in section of Boulder Medical Center was NOT helpful, so I went to the doctor in Denver.

I was all, here are my problems. There are three separate ones that concern me.
She was all, you don't have an ear infection. This other thing is normal. And we already tested for that twice. I don't know what to tell you about your dizziness, cold hands and feet, and other symptoms.
You should probably stop listening to ABBA radio on Pandora.

I spent the next two hours feeling sorry for myself until I was told to stop being a baby.

So I walked my sister to work in the hood and she sent me into the cold with a harsh, "This is the part where you need to go." I was only telling her that if she's gonna do that diamondy drizzle thing with the chocolate, she best do the entire thing instead of all one direction and only one line in the other direction.

She was mad because the dog bit her face. "Snapped," per se, because she was holding his snout because he wouldn't stop barking at the people outside. Jethro is racist because he's from a different part of the country. Not really, no one be offended. He got in trouble, so he got all sad like me and sat between her legs while she dressed her wound. He bit me... snapped... the next day so my mom called the dog whisperer.

And took us to Steuben's in Denver. They DEEP FRY their Monte Christo. That is a french toast sammich with turkey, ham, swiss, and jelly.

Somewhere between learning that I walk like a football player and telling my mom that when I'm bored I look up STDs and hipster jokes, my sister turned to my dad and asked if I knew that I was wearing designer glasses. Ha. As if.
I thought burberry was sort-of designer. Like DKNY or something. If I'd known we were doing this posh thing, Prada would have been my obvious choice. So.... I sort of knew? That was for your entertainment. Don't tell anyone.

And that is why it is time for next semester to start.

Here's a new year's salad for all you healthy healthies. I modified the recipe from an article in Westword from the lovely people that own Marczyk's.

Blood orange
toasted almonds
spicy pepper

Dressing: gross-nasty plain Greek yogurt that you're teaching yourself to enjoy + apricot jam + apple cider vinegar. Don't overdo any of those things. Your salad will taste like a california roll without all those sinful things like rice and fish. Sarcasm, Lauren.

Calling that a recipe is stupid. It's more like... a list. Or A supply list. Salad is salad, unLESS it has octopus and some other things in it, like at Fruition where I went on a date the other night. No big deal or anything.

06 January 2012


Haaaa, they thought I couldn't do it. I finally figured out how to make fufu, a traditional African... supplement to a meal. You eat it with beef or meat or vegetables. Whatever you can find.

Boil any kind of flour (I used sorghum flour mixed with corn flourbecause I was still in hippy mode. I still don't know what it is.) until it has the consistency of cream of wheat.

If you don't know what that is you didn't have a childhood.

Then you have to really work it with a wooden spoon until its super sticky.

Oh stop it.

When you can mass the whole thing together in the middle of the pot, put it all in a wet bowl and shake/roll it around until it forms a ball.

Done! Your starch is ready!! You should consider fried plantains and spicy beef with steamed veg.

Sidenote - I am being escorted to Summit Music Hall in February to seeee......
The DARKNESS!! Wooooo!!
They're playing with the following:

05 January 2012

Korean Barbeque

This is my 5th post for the day. All my friends are at work.
Next time you can round up some friends and a car, check out this place in Broomfield.

We had a lovely time.
Get Bibimbap. That's how the internet spells it. They spell it with an o. It's a bunch of delicious in a hot pot so the rice gets all sticky and crunchy. OH! And seafood pancake. And the spicy pickles. I don't speak Korean and I don't feel like looking up the names. I'll do that later. Burning out too much internet.


Crested Butte

Wooo, my favorite mountain town in the world!
To clarify, I knew about it before all the resta yall, because I got in a ski accident there when I was 6. Just kidding, I'm not a hipster.

But here is what I have to tell you:
If you go, you MUST go to

Mario's, because that's our first stop every time. I write about it all the time because my uncle owns it and it was my first restaurant experience. Chicago pizza, yaaa.

Lobar, for swanky savvy sushi. Get a tiger lily roll, crack fries (they make similar ones at Salt), and a martini that has cinnamon, a fig, vodka, and orange. UNH!! so good!! The owner, Ky, has great style.

Soupçon, where I did not get to go. I ate a gyros that night while my mom ate deconstructed boeuf wellington and lamb and mache. I did get to meet Chef Jason though with the rest of the family while he was prepping foie gras, and he's really cool. The link takes you to his bio. He put up with eight people standing in his kitchen that is maybe the size of two of the one we cooked in last year, minus the cupbords and stuff. I like to think that we bonded over what he put as, "Dormet? That's what I do! I bring food to where there isn't any!" I hope he remembers me. My mom invited him to dinner in Denver.
so admiring

Camp for Coffee, if you have a thing for license plates, croissants, or taking other peoples' drinks 'accidentally'. It was mostly an accident. I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault. Some lovely Canadians told us we have a movie star family.

Slogar does not have a website. It's a family style restaurant. Go with a bunch of special people. You will eat fried chicken, creamy corn, biscuits, pickles (I still don't get the pickle thing), cinnamon pears, and ice cream. Sneak in something green so that you won't pass out later. My sister's romantic interest "happened" to be in Crested Butte as well, so his family came out with us. Despite our intimidating loudness, I think they liked us ok. They're pretty cool too - I almost fell over when his mom said she'd sat in on Jaques Pepin cooking. And hung out with his granddaughter. And the boy has babysat one relative. I got a little lost because I was so starstruck. Jacques and Julia. The icon of French cooking. 6 Degrees of Separation. No big deal.
flare parade down the mountain

West End, a bar with classy steez and the most adept bartender I've ever seen. I haven't watched that many bartenders, but we rolled in about every night and he put up very nicely with 4 underage youth wistfully watching him pour forbidden magic. He also hooked us up with lift tickets. You may also eat there. Bomb-booty cookie plate and the prettiest smore this side of the Mississippi. That was my filter so that my little unexposed cousins can read this post.

yay new years!!!! eeee!!!!

And whereever we went for New Years Eve. I danced for three hours to poppy beats in 2 inch Frye boots and it was even better than a high school dance. I danced a foot away from a kid I thought was gay so my uncle threatened to whoop up on him. "HEY! GREEN HAT KID!!!! happynewyear. HEY!! You're going to your OWN chalet tonight, punk."Also, I think someone related to Obama was there. There were lots of light up shutter shades and rings and boas. Its great knowing people who know people.

they let me go out like that. but i won the game

Lastly, ourchalethadasauna. So hipster. You should be so jealous that you come with me next time.

More shramp

Guess how bad already old shrimp smell two days later?

Bad enough that you have to take out the trash because you feel like that Edgar Allen Poe character who can hear the beating heart under the floor.

Except you smell shrimp on your hands because yes, you cooked it anyway to use later in the day.

Which was a brilliant idea, because after the longest run I've taken on in a minute (thanks Emily) we were hungry for some omelet.

Emily had nothing for breakfast and I had a hippy muffin before -

bonus recipe!! Hippy muffins:
1/6 c cornmeal
1/6 c brown sugar
1 c whole wheat flour mixed with ground flax seeds
1/2 c ground almonds
1/2 t baking soda
2 eggs
1/2 c yogurt
1 t vanilla
1/6 c oil
tangerine zest
coconut shreds
dried fruit
canned papaya and the rest of the tangerine that you started to dehydrate but got impatient
that part goes on top after you scoop the batter into the MUFFIN tin. ha.
Bake at 350 for 12 minutes. You're so Boulder.

Second bonus recipe!!!
Use the rest of the papaya to mash with banana for the best banana bread you'll ever make.

- Alright, back to eggs.
Saute onions, celery, spinach, shrimp together.
Add your eggs.
Realize your pan doesn't have enough butter. You're having a scramble now.
Eat with KETCHUP!!!
And plain yogurt with apricot jam.
And toasted banana bread.
And boba tea because you went on a field trip to the Asian store, which is a world of fun.

Except don't keep your boba in the fridge. It's disgusting. It is good the day you boil it. Make only enough for that day. Stop keeping things in your fridge for more than a week.


Ok. I know you were waiting impatiently.

Here is what I learned about shrimp:
1. Don't buy it from Safeway. Seafood on sale means that it has been dead and out of the ocean for longer than its lifespan. Everyone knows that. Check out Kitchen Confidential why not to order fish on a Monday.
2. When the shell is hard to break with a knife to devein the thing, it's old.
3. When you eat shrimp with homemade ketchup, it's delicious. Even if Safeway scammed you.

Here is what you can learn about ketchup:
1. We modified the recipe from a couple different blogs. Here is our best version:
Broil 8 halved tomatoes (vine tomatoes- about two pounds) with olive oil under high electric oven prongs.
Flip them over.
Pull the skin off while they're still hot. See who can hold them the longest.
Puree in your machine with blades.
Sautee garlic, ginger, salt, paprika, cayenne, 5 spice(?), pepper, chili flakes, 1 T brown sugar together. Add the tomatoes that you have been simmering for an hour.
Stir in apple cider vinegar. About a little more than 1/4 cup.
Watch it simmer until it explodes. At this point you should stir it until it has ketchup consistency but looks orange.
Add 1 can tomato paste and a little water. It should look red now.
Score. You're so cool.

Here is what you can learn about Malaysian food in a Vermont girl's kitchen (read "I'm starting to learn about culture because the North is very white):
Saute shrimp with chili flakes in butter because butter tastes good.
Boil noodles. We were pretending to be fusion Italian chefs so we used linguine. You may use rice, egg noodles, or another obscure grain.
Bok choy, blanched and shocked. Or just dumped in the pasta water.

04 January 2012

Ketchup Prawns

Yeah, we made our own ketchup yesterday.
No big deal or anything.
Except I'm going to Snooze right now with a friend for breakfast so you have to come back later.

I'll let you know how it is.