13 May 2011

"I'm too drunk to taste this chicken"

Things I have learned:

1. Cleaning rotisserie devices with chemicals burns your skin off.

2. Colonel Sanders is the KFC guy. He was once quoted as saying claiming to be too drunk to taste his own chicken. I think. They say the line in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. It was a good nonsensical line.

3. Don't make friends with anyone that is "Gluten Free." Only celiacs.

4. Reading is too difficult for people these days. Even if all the ingredients are listed, a gluten free couple will still complain that "Its such a pain, why isn't there a sticker?"

-> The self righteousness of these people indicates that they are following a temporary diet fad, especially since both of them are gluten free. I swear, half these people don't even know what gluten is. Gluten is good. Things with gluten have soluble fiber that keep you full and digest slow for long term energy. Oatmeal. Whole bread. Pasta. Soy. Yeah, you put it on your sushi because it tastes good. BEER. It makes you feel happy and light. These are staples for EVERY culture.

Why are Italians and the French happier than us? Because they eat with tradition and reverence for good food. They don't follow stupid food trends that eliminate an entire staple or nutrient from an omnivorous diet. The American food system is too regulated by capitalism and government subsidies.

Ok, commie rant over. Start looking for t shirts. I'll take ideas for pro-gluten strategies, even though everyone will get sick of rice cakes and almonds within a year or two and sulk back for regular bread in their chicken sandwich. I'll relish the moment. Just like when my dad stopped being vegan and my parents started eating sugar again.

5. Kombucha is the new 'thing.' Make your own out of a culture and black tea. I'm not allowed to make it at my house because it is modern and we only drink nice things like orange juice, milk, and beer.

6. My respect for my parents is ever-increasing as I watch moms try to feed their kids quinoa and dads let their kids flop around on the cafe floor like seals.

7. Spanish. It's awesome.

8. That all my coworkers rock climb. I wanna go too.

9. That I need to work on my upper body strength.

10. That things have names. "Thingy, thing, or this" can be replaced with "Deck brush" "Schedule" or "I need a large pan for 6 chickens." I'll work on that one.

11. I'm a dreamer. Julia told me that she is too, and sometimes it's hard being human. It made me happy because I feel like my life is turning into a Wes Anderson movie.

1 comment:

  1. For real! I don't like restrictive diets, especially for no reason. None of the real celiacs I know are exceptionally glamorous people, and vegans can't eat honey. Kombucha smells like vinegar and tastes like moldy champagne. And how Wes Anderson would a summer road trip be? Especially if we ended up on a train at some point, and if we met a Native American chief because that would be fun, and spent some time sitting on some high up rocks watching the sun set, and also if we met a guy with a cool mustache. I'm going to keep thinking of more things for that list now.